Letting Go of Toxic People, including Your Mother

a real mother for you — (Photo credit: Shutterstock.com / Yuricazac)

By Anissa Blair | December 2, 2020 | Almost everyone has muttered the words, “I hate my mother,” or “I can’t stand her.” Even the best relationships between a mother and daughter have their issues. But what if your conflicts go beyond the norm and you can’t stand the ground she walks on?

In the latest episode of “Iyanla: Fix My Life,” Iyanla Vanzant attempts to reconcile the relationship between LisaRaye McCoy and her mother. The betrayal ran deep, with both sides defending their stances. Communication broke down, and being right ruled the conversation. A toxic relationship with a foundation of anger and hurt feelings ultimately will manifest into hate and disrespect.

In a perfect world, a mother’s love is unyielding and unconditional. The dynamics between a mother and daughter can be loving or an absolute failure. But what if you two can’t be in the same room with each other without yelling and screaming?

If you feel as though you’ve been wronged or mistreated, repairing that relationship can be impossible. And, naturally, your gut reaction to your mother’s animosity is fueled by hatred and hostility.

Growing up, sitcoms like “The Cosby Show” and “A Different World” were a constant in most Black homes. Clair Huxtable, the family’s matriarch, received nothing but admiration, respect and love from her on-screen daughters Denise, Vanessa and Sondra.

Yet, in your home, bickering and fighting may be the only acceptable forms of communication. You’ve tried to take the high road and sacrifice your well-being in a failed attempt to “do the right thing,” despite being left holding the bag. Now your options are to either choose your mother’s toxicity or cut her off completely.

Sound familiar?

If you believe the following four things about your mother, you two may be in a toxic relationship:

1. She’s dismissive. Who doesn’t desire acceptance, attention and validation from their mother? In place of love, she chooses to be selfish and emotionally neglectful.

2. She’s combative. Conflict should be her first name. She thrives on negativity and struggle.

3. She’s an attention seeker. Does she support your accomplishments only if she can toot her own horn? The spotlight has to center on her.

4. She’s mean. She’s hateful and spiteful. Criticism supersedes any words of admiration. Your mother thrives on any opportunity to hurt your feelings.

While you can’t choose a parent, you can determine the impact her actions will have on you. Here are the three Ds to get past this destructive relationship:

1. Disallow. Don’t let this destroy your relationships with others. Holding on to hatred and anger will grow into an emotion that can be uncontrollable.

2.Determine. Do some soul-searching to decide if the fault lies with you. Have a real conversation with yourself. What role did you play in this failed connection?

3. Decision. What doesn’t serve you can no longer have your energy. Let it go. Holding onto grudges and ill feelings will leave you broke and broken. Get rid of that burden.

Who doesn’t desire to have a loving and nurturing relationship with their parent? However, when the two of you can’t be on the same page, you must decide to put you first.

Anissa D. Blair is an Atlanta-based author and blogger with a passion for writing and being a mother and wife. In her blog, “Straight, No Chaser,” she represents everyday women “just trying to cope doing average s—” and covers all topics — from the good, the bad, and the ugly of navigating through life’s obstacles and roadblocks, to building and keeping successful relationships while trying to maintain your sanity. No taboo topics here. You can read her work at rollingout.com/anissa/ and follow her on social media @anissadblair on Instagram, @anissablair on Facebook, and Blended In Love on YouTube.

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