By Patrice Le Goy, Ph.D.| International Psychologist | Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT #130039)| There has been an epidemic happening in our community. The number of Black women being killed by their partners or ex-partners is staggering and heartbreaking. In just the month of April, we witnessed the violent deaths of Nancy Metayer Brown, Sheneiqua Evans, Dr. Cerina Fairfax, Pastor Tammy McCollum, and Ashanti Allen. And likely many more that did not make the headlines.
According to the Violence Policy Center, Black women face intimate partner homicide, at 3 times the rate of white women. Approximately 90% of Black female homicide victims are killed by someone they know and more than 50% of murdered Black women are killed by a current or former intimate partner.
People often ask why women don’t leave these dangerous relationships, but research from the National Domestic Violence Hotline shows that most women try to leave an abusive situation on average of seven times before they are successful, and the period after a woman leaves a violent partner is the most dangerous time for them. Battered Women’s Support Services tells us that this danger doesn’t end when they leave – women experience a 75% increase in violence for up to two years after separating from a partner.
Changing these numbers means changing our culture, and that requires honesty about where we are. It means acknowledging the ways racism and socio-economic stressors concentrate and amplify violence. It means examining how physical discipline (historically used to protect Black children from an even crueler outside world) may actually limit the emotional tools children need as adults.
Practically, it means teaching boys how to calmly manage conflict and rejection without escalation, and to hold each other accountable. It means making space, especially for our boys and young men, to feel sadness and fear, without feeling that it threatens their “masculinity.” It means ongoing, direct conversations with our children and each other, about what healthy relationships look and feel like.
Start here: Center for Racial Justice in Education (race and racialized violence resources), Youth.Gov (dating violence prevention), Nonviolent Communication for Parenting and Families (skills and resources for parenting).
If you have relationship or mental health questions for me, email: connect@drpatricelegoy.com