Black families have long passed down traditions rooted in respect, discipline and resilience, but some parenting practices are being reconsidered by younger generations. Credit: ChatGPT
I grew up in a household where there were certain things you just knew. You spoke when you walked into a room. You didn’t interrupt grown folks’ conversations. You didn’t touch anything in the store, and you certainly didn’t question your parents. If your mama said jump, you figured out how high. And if she gave you that look from across the room, you knew you had approximately three seconds to get yourself together.
Like so many Black children, I grew up with unwritten rules that helped shape the woman I am today. They taught me respect, accountability and responsibility, lessons I’ve tried to pass on to my own children.
But the older I get, the more I question some of the other things we learned. The things we accepted because that’s just how it was. The things our parents learned from their parents, who learned them from theirs.
And I wonder how many of those lessons were about raising confident children and how many were about keeping children quiet and obedient.
“Because I said so.” How many of us heard those words growing up? Better yet, how many have repeated them to our own children?
I still believe children should respect their elders, say please and thank you, and understand that the world doesn’t revolve around them. But children should also be able to ask questions without being accused of disrespect.
Think about it. We spend years telling children not to question adults, then wonder why they grow into adults who struggle to speak up for themselves. We teach them to respect authority without question, then expect them to recognize when someone in authority mistreats them.
And yes, there’s a difference between a child asking a legitimate question and one who’s simply trying your last nerve. Every parent knows that difference. But shouldn’t we be teaching respectful communication instead of demanding silence?
Some family secrets should never be kept
Then there’s the rule that makes me especially uncomfortable today: “What happens in this house stays in this house.”
I understand where that came from. Black families have historically had to protect themselves in a world quick to judge and punish us. There was pride in handling family matters privately.
But somewhere along the way, some children learned they weren’t supposed to tell anybody anything, even when something was terribly wrong. They learned to keep quiet about abuse, hide their pain and protect the family’s reputation at the expense of their own well-being.
Privacy has its place, but no child should ever believe asking for help is a betrayal.
When did being strong mean you couldn’t cry?
“Stop crying before I give you something to cry about.” For many, that was a staple in Black households. Our parents and grandparents endured discrimination, hardship and unimaginable sacrifices. They had to be strong. Sometimes they didn’t have the luxury of falling apart.
But in teaching us strength, did they sometimes forget to teach us that vulnerability was okay?
How many of us became adults who can handle everybody else’s problems but struggle to admit when we’re overwhelmed? We praise Black women for carrying the weight of the world, then wonder why we’re exhausted. We tell Black boys to toughen up, then wonder why some Black men struggle to express their feelings.
Our children need resilience, but they also need to know that crying is human and asking for help is healthy.
Honoring our parents while doing better
Ai generated: Chatgpt
I don’t believe in judging previous generations without considering the world they faced. Many of our parents raised Black children knowing one wrong move could have devastating consequences. They taught obedience and caution because they were trying to protect us.
But we can appreciate their intentions without repeating every method.
Too often, when someone questions old-school parenting, the response is, “Well, I turned out just fine.”
But did we? Maybe we became successful, responsible adults. Maybe we also became people who struggle with boundaries, feel guilty saying no or believe love requires constant sacrifice.
I still believe in respect, accountability, and the village that helped raise generations of Black children. But we can teach those values without humiliation, fear or forced silence. Our parents worked too hard and sacrificed too much for us to believe progress means doing everything exactly as they did.
So yes, I’m still going to tell children to speak when they enter a room, respect their elders, and clean up behind themselves. And I might even give them that look occasionally.
But I also want them to know their voices matter, their feelings are valid and they never have to suffer in silence to protect the family’s image. Our parents taught us how to survive the world they inherited. We owe our children the tools to thrive in the world they’ll inherit. And if that means breaking a few family traditions along the way, maybe that’s not such a bad thing.